Thesis: Does the Perfect man exist?

Ok yes I get it guys, I am a 36 year old Married Woman discussing this (omg I’m 37! 37 I say!!. My head hurts. Too close to 40). I was thinking what to write about, their is so much at the moment really, but I just wanted something a little light hearted and fun, and what can be more fun than discussing men?? (Muhahahahaha *witches laugh*)

So I’m going to look at this like a school project, and the Thesis is “Does the Perfect Man exist?”

Methodology (Don’t have a go at me, I’m really getting into this!)

For my investigation I used my Instagram followers and we discussed what makes a perfect man, and I also used media channels like television programmes, novels and netflix…

(Gosh it really is starting to sound like a school project…)

On Instagram I asked my followers “what makes a perfect man?” And the responses I got varied: here’s a few of them , and generally all of them were around the same sort of ideals

The pages do go on, but the general consensus being, respectable honest, a great cook, understanding, loyalty, supporting, you know that kind of thing….surprises you, dotes on you, gives you his heart, his t-shirt, his credit card, his soul…. ( Ok, ok maybe not the soul, but the rest will do)…

For my first case study I will be using Joe From YOU

Joe From 'You' Just Got Creepier—Netflix Releases Video Without ...

Stalker, Pervert, Murderer, Sociopath, Abusive, Self obsesessed just a few of his stronger personality traits here (*rolls eyes*)…… and yet I would date him in a second…. Did I just say that aloud? Yes I did! I did, and its ok to say it out aloud girls…. because you would too! (don’t lie)

I mean if we put all of this aside (I cant believe I am saying this!) he is a great guy- the best guy, evan Perfect…..he is sensitive, he remembers birthday, anniversaries, he knows your likes, dislikes, cooks, cleans, he gets to know your friends, ( he ticks all the above instagram responses) and…….. he even kills the people you dont like. (How can you not love him?!!) Just minus the murdering part and the glass box…. and we found him. The perfect candidate. The Perfect Man…….(kinda)

Case Study 2: Christian Gray, 50 Shades

Christian Grey's Background in Fifty Shades of Grey | POPSUGAR ...

I am definately more of a Joe fan, than a Christian Gray. Actually I DEPISE Christain Grey……. but I know how populer he is with the ladies. So why is he considered ‘perfect?’…. Once again he is sensitive, emotional, rugged, assertive, confidence overload, dominant….Rich! Rich I Say and that gives him Power.. Who buys thier girlfriend a brand spanking new Audi on the first date?…. Urm Christian Grey does….(Bonus!)

So once again we have the perfect candidate, we just have to put aside the fact that he is a stalker, pervert with psychological issues with make him controlling and manipulative, and dominant….. That’s all….. Simples. ( I’m going to move quickly along to our next perfect man, because I have issues with this novel. Big issues! )

Case Study 3: Peaky Blinders- Tommy Selby

6 reasons why Cillian Murphy would make an incredible James Bond

By order of the Peaky Blinders…. (hehe- had to be done)…..I nominate Tommy Selby for our third case….. We women are always looking for the perfect man, and yet we Think Tommy Selby is one?…. urm, lets put aside the whole drug, murdering, taking peoples eyes out with the razor thing, im sure we can let the ‘little’ details ‘slide’ right?. He is a solid family man, with family values, looks after the family, hes strong, powerful, definately loyal when in love, and ….urm…. just dont mess with the family, or the business…and there you go ….. The perfect man.

The world is full of ‘Perfect’ Men. We just have to find them (and not think of the bad stuff)

I think that’s enough case studies for today? You guys are getting my gist right.

Conclusion

Now lets look at this more clearly, and a little less of the humour side of things.

As women we are subjected to these images of men. I know loving Joe is wrong, but the whole screenplay make me sympathise with him, I actually laugh at his ‘crazy’, I emphatised when he kills people, because ‘bless him’ what could he do?! (OMG. I said that!)…… Tell me how lame do I sound!!! I feel lame writing it, but yet I feel that way and that needs expressing. The fact that the director allows us to see Joe’s thought processing is the reason we feel this way…… but why oh why? Its still Wrong!

I used Christian Gray by purpose- I would generally like to think that someone of my age can see right through Christian Gray and all the ‘wrongs’ in that relaitionship- however I do know that teenagers are obsessed with him and some women even older, and the whole- its not porn because its a book logic (fails me *rolls eyes*)but we are subjected to these kind of men in books, in our screen, in everything, men that need loving, the characters play on the womens natural habitat of caring and mothering and trying to fix a lost soul…….and these characters are being romantised….. so instead of running a mile, we stay and put up. Endings in books are always great, in reality its a longer struggle and hurdle, some more so than others.

The reality is, although we are subjected to this every living day of our lives, would we really read books that were simple and straightforward? Watch programmes where a man and women fall in love and stay together… forever….No. So although I am complaining that we are subjected to this, I also want a ‘little‘ bit of Joe and Tommy Selby in my life, just a little, a minute amount, maybe you know have CBD as medicinal rather than as a addiction kinda little, you know the little gangsta in us (to help aid our tired arms and legs).

Movies, Books play on what the readers want, what sells, and it seems Christian Gray, Joe and Tommy Selby are hot on the market, all for the wrong reasons…. but its working

Evaluation

So in reality its time to stop looking for the perfect man, and just deal with the one sitting on the couch scratching his underarms. I mean he could have been a psycho over dominant murdering drug lord, but instead he has a day job, and remembers to bring the milk home (when you ask). How lovely. What more could you want? (** dont answer that!)

Love and Regards

M11bna

Dont forget a quick ‘Like”Share’ and ‘Follow’

And pop your email address into the subscribe button to always be up to date with ‘A Cup Of Me’

Megxit

So how did 2020 start?

Well we have had to finally accept that Boris Johnson is our Prime minister. (That’s karma for laughing at America when Trump was elected. Karma has a way of kicking you in the balls).

Boris Johnson

Now we will be heading straight into Brexit (although I voted Remain, the way the whole process has gone on, and for so long, its been draining. So its just nice to know that something is happening! Finally, we know where we stand. Kind of. ) and now we will see how much of an impact it’ll have on us.

Also we are coming to terms that our beloved NHS may be sold off in the near future, its all very daunting and scary.

Worldwide 2020 has brought us the Tragic news in Australia with the fires. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you at this hard time.

The mass ethnic cleansing of the Uyghur muslims in China are finally getting some air time, although mostly on social media, the International stations are still widley ignoring them, as are the national. But its nice to see Celebrities voicing their concerns and raising awareness. (Although they are getting heavily critisised for it! Freedom of speech only applies for some causes!)

Then the dreaded President Trump whilst playing golf decided on the assasination of the Iranian General Qassem Suleimani and now their are talks of possible WW3. (Seriously the amount of netflix series I watch I can so picture this in my head!! talking of netflix and presidents… you guys watched Scandal? Fitz for President next please!… Oh Fitz!)

Back to the UK, Prince Phillip health is in the air, constantly in and out of hospital. Tensions rising,

And whilst we all come to terms with all of this…….. “Megxit”

And we are only on the 2nd week of January.

Right I havent really got political up to date with my posts, because sometimes im afraid to voice my opinion, because politics is very broad and very vast and everyone has an opinion of their own and I dont want to be judged for it. I think as a blogger, you have to be very careful what you say, it can be misinterpreted all too easily.

So I have decided to pick on the things which I believe to be light hearted politics… (I think(biting nails))

So lets get back to ‘Megxit’

I had decided 2020 was MY Year!! I’m ready to make it MY Decade of Decades….. but I guess so many other people have decided the same. All this news, just two weeks in……Its going to be a great year!

But seriously?? I’m not going to say could it get worse? Seriously not going to say it…. But could it?

This whole ‘Megxit’ situation has got me really reeled up. I’m a big fan of Harry and Meghan. Huge fan. I’m a big fan of everything Royal. I love the Royal family. I love William and Kate. I love the Queen. I love Britain. I believe they are mine. They belong to us. They belong to me. And because I watch The Crown on netflix (promise you netflix are not paying me for this post, though it would be nice!) I feel like I know them, they are my family, they are my friends. I laugh when they laugh, I cry for them, I Hurt for them. I Follow them on Social media, in the papers, in everything. I STALK the Royal Family. (There I said it, im obsessed- abit like Joe on YOU (netflix again))

So Im going through an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. Initially the post they sent out stating they are ‘stepping down’ gave me Joy. Who wants to be in an institute like that, its so difficult, ( Ive seen how much the Queen went through on the Crown. Its so tough!) Good on them for wanting out…….But now Im not so sure….

Meghan has been bullied by the media, theres no doubt about that, but then so has every member of the Royal family at one point. They are in the public eye, they will be scrutinised, its been that way for years. In exactly the same way Meghan was scrutinised as an actress. Its a celebrity culture. Its a tabloid culture. Its a press culture. She married a Prince! What was she expecting?

Shes not the first to be bullied, Sarah Ferguson (Prince Andrews ex-wife) because of her weight was named ‘Duchess of Pork’. Kate Middleton was accused of doing nothing more that just having babies on top of babies, and also accused of lavishly spending tax payers money when she first came into the royal family on outfits. And how about Camilla- still to this day she is bullied.

Im not saying its right to be bullied. NOT AT ALL. I just dont think that by running away it will stop the bullying, if anything they probably have made it worse for themselves. They will be more in the press then ever before. (This time without the aide and security of the Royal Family so anything can and will be published) especially if Meghan goes back to her career ( You would think that she’d be use to it by now? though I would love for her to be back on suits! (Netflix again!))

Now something else that troubled me, the fact that they made this statement without the Royal family knowing. (urm…. guys…. what were you thinking!!!???) they already have the media after them, and they throw themselves to the sharks! (Was this like a dumb and dumber moment!). Im not a royal but that hurt me!! Harry (no longer Prince!) knows exactly how the system works, why the hell??? …..Im in disbelief! Is this his first “Im going to be independent” move? because he already failed. Big time.

And now they want to be ‘Financially Independent’ whilst keeping the Royal Sussex name, but stepping down……thats abit like Kylie Jenner stating that she is ‘SELF MADE’. Ugh. to Celebrity Culture.

Wow. reading that back. I can feel my tone change. Im really hurt!

In all honesty if they wanted to be free, they deserve to be, but not the way they did it. The Queen is 93 years old! (same as my granni) Prince Phillip health is all over the place, and they throw this on her! Its such a disrespect on the family and the Monarchy. I am so so so dissapointed. Especially after the amount the Royal Family did to invite Meghan into the family. The grand wedding, Prince Charles stepping in to walk her in, the Queens gift of the ‘Sussex’ title. They went above and beyond -evan though every step of the way they were being traumatised by the media, yet we never heard a complaint off them, not about Meghan or about the media. They took it in their grace and continued, knowing its a phase they will need to overcome. If only Meghan and Harry did the same.

The other thing that troubles me is- they want to be out of the ‘limelight’ as per se. They dont like the media attention, yet Meghan has signed a million pound contract with Disney for a voiceover? Urm …..hyprocricy at its best.

It seems to me that only if the attention is on Meghan, then the attention is valid .

Phew, I got passionate there. Didnt realise I was that protective of the Royal family either.

Well to end I Cant wait for The Crown season 7- I wonder if Meghan will play herself (hehe)

Let me know how you all feel about this, would love to hear your thoughts

Love and Regards

M11bna

Dont forget a quick Like, Share and Follow

Fundamentals in a Relationship. Respect.

My friend from sunny South Africa came over, she got married to a South African dude, packed her bags and left…And never looked back apart from her yearly visit for 2/3 weeks in December (Yes. She comes when its freezing. Every year. Tells us its too cold, and goes back to sunny SA)

We always catch up when we see pops over, and it’s really nice because everyone will make more of an effort when she comes.

These Girls are my school friends, and at the age of 36, we are all married, with elder kids. So essentially TRYING to live for ourselves now. I do say trying in capitals because really. We are trying. But it really doesn’t get easier as kids grow older, new challenges come into place. (see previous post of boy/girl friends in a muslim household)

We just started talking about marriage in a general term, and how there are certain aspects to marriage which can make or break you. All of us are still married, not to say we have the ‘perfect’ marriage ( what evan is that?) But we are all happily married.

I mean we all know for a marriage to work there has to be Love. Thats the biggest component, but what exactly is love? And how is the love kept?

It’s kept by further little components, like loyalty, trust, companionship, honesty, compromise, understanding each others needs, respect among so much other factors.

To keep a relationship going, the individuals have to take all of these things into account. And if you are in love, it should all come naturally, it’s not something you’d have to work on….. you would think. Right?

We all came to the conclusion that Secondary to Love- would come Respect. Love is a feeling. And respect- well that has to be earned right? So how do the two go together?

“You cant love a person you dont respect”

How far would you agree with this? Overall it’s a simple statement, and it should be easy, but look around and you’ll see loads of friends, family etc who are suffering from this simple statement. That’s not to say they don’t love each other, but rather the interpretation of respect means different things to different people.

Why did we choose Respect? well thats easy, Without respect all the other factors wouldnt evan make it. We wouldnt commit to someone we dont respect, we wouldnt be loyal to someone we dont respect, we wouldnt evan have proper conversations with people who we dont respect. Respect is a part of life that goes beyond just a relaitionship, its fundamental in all relaitionships, whether that be friendship, parent-child relaitionship, or evan within the workplace.

The problem with the term is what each person defines as ‘Respect’, what can be respectful to one person, may not be the same for the other. The term needs to be broken down and usually this happens after the disrespting of one of the people in the relaitionship. If I put it in the most simplest form ‘Putting the dirty clothes into the wash basket’, now this can be a big issue for one person, yet the other person is oblivious to it. Now a marraige or a long term relaitionship is not going to end over this (I hope so) but its about respecting the other partner enough to know that its considerable to do this little act. (which can save a lot of drama).

This is just a simple example, it’s the more bigger things in life that cause the issues, and communication is needed to break it down. Another small example from personal experience: Friendship groups. Your partner may not like your friendship group. Or vice-versa. So how would you deal with this. You love your partner, you love your friends.

Personally as much as I’d like to ban him from certain people, the reality is that’d be disrespectful off me. If this person is creating a toxic relationship between the two of you, then implications need to be made, if not, then you have to trust that your partner knows whether it’s right to be friends with this person or not. So grind your teeth, leave the sarcasm for another day, and don’t forget to say ‘have fun’ when they leave.

But once again these are things that can be overseen, it would be fair to say that without respect love can essentially start wearing off. If we go back to the friendship example, if I decided that my husband should never go out with these friends, or have any communication with them, he may start loosing respect for me. Or if he decides that regardless of my feelings he will continue to go out with people who obviously have a implicit agenda in breaking the relationship, I would start to lose respect for him. When one half of you starts loosing respect for the other, the tearing down process starts, this can build up in a number of ways, not just friendship but general everyday living of life, and it can lead to a detrimental postition in the relationship.

Our end resolution came down to the key in all relationship is ‘Communication, Communication, Communication’ If you don’t like something- say it. If your not happy – say it. But never ever try and possess or control your other half. Allowing the other person to assess and understand for themselves how much of an impact a certain act has on a relationship shows growth and maturity. And sometimes (just sometimes) mistakes make the relationship stronger.

Hope you enjoyed our little chat.

Feel free to give your thoughts

Love and regards

M11bna

Don’t forget to Follow, Like and Share.

Girl/Boy Friends in a Muslim household

So the thing is… I’m a Muslim…Proud Muslim, with the values, roots, practises and beliefs. I am also an Indian so the cultural aspects and all of the rest of it is also embodied in me. And I’m also British- so I’ve been schooled here, college, university, work the whole cycle…

And I’m sure I’ve tried my best to instill the same values in my boys. On the way to mosque, my Boy asks me, “Mum, would you like… Loose it if I was walking with a girl?, or you or someone else saw me walking with girls?” My son is 16.

Now, going back to when I was his age- meaning 20 years ago- I wouldn’t dare ask my mum or dad that question- it was not a question to be asked, it wasn’t debateable. The answer was “You NEVER should be seen with a member of the opposite sex unless it’s a parent or sibling” that’s not to say it didn’t happen obviously it happened, but it was all about where you were, how public you were, and the whole keeping respect thing….. And pretending you don’t EVER talk to boys! Oh the shame should anyone see you and gossip about you.

So I didn’t know how to answer that when he asked me, not because I thought it’s wrong, but how do I explain the whole culture thing to him when we live in today’s society. My boys are born and bred here. I’d probably laugh if anyone came to me to say that my son was seen around females, but what if the news got to the elder generations? How would we deal with it then? How would they respond to it? And where is the fine line between chilling with females and having a girlfriend?

The absurd thing is, he continued speaking “… We were walking, and the girls saw the Boi (my younger son) and they ran off, so when I asked them why? They said it’s because the Boi might tell your mum. You’ll get into trouble”.

That’s when I started thinking, I really haven’t had a proper conversation with my son… And the fact that he’s asking me this, means he doesn’t know where he actually stands with the situation. So while hes wondering why they ran away, hes never assumed hes doing anything wrong, but hes also puzzled as to why he would get into trouble.

I answered by saying that me or his dad wouldn’t have a problem with it at all. As long as it’s a group of people, then it’s fine. I think it would trouble me if it were just two of them- him and a girl, and if there was any hint of intimacy. That I wouldn’t tolerate (indicating very clearly that hes not allowed to have a girlfriend girlfriend….but a girl-friend is fine- you get me right?) And then I explained how others in the community would feel towards it, and how he should respect that not all parents think in the same way. Obviously the girls that ran away had reason to, and therefore he should respect that they have a different understanding in life as opposed to him (I was quite shocked at this, I thought my parents generation was the last of the generation to have this mentality)

Right- so I know non- Muslims are looking at the fact that I told my 16 year old hes not allowed a girlfriend. Yes. I did. And Yes I will, because hes not allowed Islamically. And my boys go to mosque and are brought up in a Islamic household and in all honesty they know this anyway. It’s not something they will argue over, but whether they choose to do it behind my back is another question entirely. As a Muslim parent I’ve done my part.

But I question whether this is the right way of parenting? I mean if my son was ‘caught’ (can you see the language we use! I’m ashamed of using it myself! ) With a girl- my mum would call it bad parenting on my part as I wasn’t strict enough and keeping an eye on him. And my mother in law would be ecstatic and ask me when we would be holding the wedding!

I wouldn’t want it to be either way, I’m not getting my 16 year old married, and I’m definitely not a bad parent…. Or am I?

Going back to the beginning- I said I would never ask my parent the same question my son asked me, well why? My parents never spoke to me in the way I speak to my children. They never have. And they probably wont. I remember seeing my parents as elders, and people who have rights over me. My boys however are my friends, we have laughs, we joke, we wrestle, we cuss each other, we flick each other in the head, and we embarrass each other in public- by Purpose. So is my parenting style wrong?

Now the thing is- this got me thinking… What if I find out he does have a girlfriend? What would I do?

Islamically the answer would be marriage. Culturally I need to lock him up and throw away the key and deprive him of all communication (yes. That’s no lie). And as a British woman- just let him have fun.

So where do I stand with this- because all of it go against each other? The good thing is- I don’t have to think about that… Yet. But it still worries me.

The reality is I would NEVER get him married at this age! (Is it even legal?). So would I stop him from seeing her? (Hes bigger and taller than me! So I don’t know how I would manage locking him up (that’s a joke!!) ) but I definitely wouldn’t encourage him to continue.

So how do I stand and how do I face this problem as a British, Indian, Muslim?

Would love and appreciate your thoughts on this.

Love and regards

M11bna