THESIS: …….Is it Love? Or Tolerance?

Due to the popularity of my last thesis I thought I’d give this a go again. You guys know that I’m 37 by now ( ye I do mention it in nearly every blog post, because I can’t get over it. Really 37! But I haven’t even seen the world yet!) And I’m somewhat happily married (on most days) for the last 18 years, and you guys know how on certain days we question: “Why do we do this s***?, like Why?!!” and that’s where this popped up.

So the Thesis is “Is it Love or Tolerance?”

A little bit of of a background before we move onto the fun part:

Love: A Passionate Affection for another person, a personal attachment or deep affection for another person (dictionary.com)

Tolerance: Able to endure (dictionary.com)

Methodology: You guys understand the way I work by now hey?

For this project I will be asking my fellow Instagram users “Is it Love that makes us Tolerant? or Tolerance that makes us love?

and here are a few responses:

For my case study I have decided to use the characters from “The Big Bang Theory” I know this one is a hit and miss, either you love this show, or you don’t…….but I absolutely LOVE it!! seriously give it a Go, I promise you will get obsessed …….

Big Bang Theory” Cast & Creators Emotional After Final Taping ...

Case Study 1: Sheldon and Amy Farah Fowler

The Big Bang Theory' Season 12, Episode 19, Recap: Amy Is Feeling ...

When it comes to Love and Tolerance I really don’t think there can be a better example than these two. We all know how intolerable Sheldon actually is- this is a man who has ‘room mate agreements,’ ‘friendship agreements,’ a ‘Do not sit on my couch agreement‘ he also has a ‘relationship agreement‘ with Amy Farah Fowler. He is very proud of his IQ, yet because of his head always being in science, he seems to have lost out on his emotional quotient (EQ)

He is forever putting his friends down, doesn’t understand ‘feelings‘ or ‘sarcasm‘ and yet although on television we can have a laugh at his odd behaviour- in real life ‘would I really be friends with this guy?“…… However all the things that we find odd, Amy Farah Fowler seems to be blind to;

“… your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button.’

I mean forget tolerant- this is clearly a case of ‘Love is Blind’.

Yet on the last episode (did I really go through 12 series off this? Yes I did, and each series is better than the one before.) A bombshell is brought down:

Amy: “You never mean to. It’s the only reason people tolerate you”

Sheldon: ‘Does that include you?”

Amy: ‘Sometimes, yes’

Amy here clearly states that she tolerates Sheldon, as does everyone else around him. We should know this anyway, yet when someone you love says it its quite a bit of a ‘bombshell’ So is Amy here stating that she Tolerates him because she Loves him?

Case Study 2: Leonard and Penny

Leonard and Penny | The Big Bang Theory Wiki | Fandom

I mean the Big Bang Theory really does not give us any easy relationships to work with hey? Its one big psychological nightmare to be honest.

When it comes to Leonard and Penny there is a very stereotypical undertone apparent- ‘the nerdy genius gets the fit dumb blonde girl‘, isn’t this what all scientists fantasies are about?. But because of of his ‘Infatuation’ over Penny he is seen to be ‘under the thumb’ and always prone to insults.

I personally think that their are 2 ways of looking at this. (Psychological M11bna taking over here) Firstly Penny could be mean towards Leonard, because she feels insecure because she knows that she is not clever, and her insults are a way of fixing that insecurity……. Or that Leonard generally is such a nice guy (and he really is!) that Penny generally looks like a bully next to him but she is just being her sarcastic self.

Lets get back to the question at hand, is it Love or Tolerance? Does Leonard Tolerate the insults because he is infatuated that his fantasy has come to life? or does he Love Penny and that is why he tolerates her insults?

Hmmm….. that’s a tricky one, but also…..Why is Penny with Leonard? Love? Tolerance? …….its one Big Bang Theory…… (Hehe *wink *wink)

Case Study 3: Howard and Bernadette

How The Big Bang Theory Just Proved That Howard And Bernadette ...

The smallest person but the biggest bully by far Bernadette. I absolutely Love her! And this women by far is toooooo damn tolerant….. or is it the other way round? …… I’m really worried about this relationship out of them all…….

Bernadette acts as a replacement mother figure to Howard rather than a wife, and she takes up that role too. Both gladly accept this… (too weird)

As well as a mother figure she is also the breadwinner, which she forever reminds Howard, and she also makes it very clear to Howard on numerous occasions that she can do better than him- Which he also agrees to.

Is this why Howard is tolerant of her? Because he also knows that she can do better? or because he loves her? Is this another case of Leonard and Penny?

Why does Bernadette take over the role of his mother? She has children of her own, yet is seen forever babysitting Howard and his friends? Does she Love him, and that’s why she tolerates?

Now that we have had a look at the case studies…. lets move on,

Conclusion:

Firstly lets go back to the definitions of Love and Tolarance:

Love: A Passionate Affection for another person, a personal attachment or deep affection for another person (dictionary.com)

Tolerance: Able to endure (dictionary.com)

And now we can take these definitions and look at it from the couples perspective; Tolerance would be to be able to tell your partner that there is something you dislike about them, but you are going to deal with it anyway because you generally Love them.

Lets put this into the couples:

Amy tells Sheldon clearly that she and all the friends tolerate him. Leonard tolerates Penny snide remarks because he genuinely cares for her, and Bernadette tolerates Howard because….. well she must love him right? Otherwise why would she still be there? This women clearly doesn’t need him.

So now the question really is; Is Loving and Tolerating Linked?

Evaluation;

My understanding from everything that I have put down is : Do we become more Tolerant because we Love?…..

We all go through days where we do things we don’t want to, like….. really don’t want to, like really really, it makes you burn inside ‘Dont want to‘, but yet we smile (although mine is a hard fake one) and we do it? Why?? Tell me Why?

Tolerating does not mean hating or wanting to leave or ending a relationship. Tolerating is actually how the relationship is managed, and how much you want that relationship will allow you to grit your teeth and accept it. (Though a bitching session with the ladies is always a must afterwards)

The reality is, we will never find anyone who has the same thought logic as ourselves, and if we did….. then how boring would that be?! so we have to learn to understand that the other person has a different understanding to life than us. In a marriage or a relationship you may find that you disagree over a ‘matter’. That’s not to say that you are right and he is wrong (though in 99% of the time, us women are right. Obviously. We go have the Superior Gene *wink wink*). It just means you have a difference of opinion, and the crucial part of this is ‘trying to accept the difference without it affecting the relationship’

Obviously tolerating also has a danger to it…. Tolerating has to be done to a degree, do not allow yourself to tolerate the wrong things for the sake of Love. That is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. If there is Love, Tolerance should come from both sides, and it should be easily accepted and not something that is forced or mentally draining.

And this balance between Love and Tolerance is not just about marriage or having a partner, its a balance that we bring to all relationships, that can be friendship, children and parents. We tolerate more from some friends than we do from others….. we tolerate more from our own children, than we would if someone else was to talk to us in a certain manner.

So it could be said that the more we ‘Love’ or ‘Have a likeness or affection’ for someone, the more we are prepared to tolerate. Yet once again I have to emphasise that Tolerance has to have a cut off point. Sometimes Tolerance can be misinterpreted for obedience or even misinterpreted as a form of bullying. You have to be very mindful of how much you tolerate and why, and whether you are getting the same amount of effort your way.

And that’s all folks. do share your thoughts on this matter. Would be interesting to discuss

Love and regards

M11bna

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Endometriosis- My Struggle.

Had the most perfect day today. Having recovered from Covid19- just knowing that we are now in Boris Johnson’s ‘Herd Immunity’ group has been a relief to my family. The anxiety of not knowing when Covid would hit us, and also how we would cope with it, is no longer an issue. We have overcome it.

And the new incentive ‘Eat out to Help Out’- where we get 50% off our meals (*subject to terms and conditions*) means that Monday -Wednesdays are the new weekends for us. (Thanks Boris) And so I spent the day doing nothing and enjoyed the evening eating out with the family……

…..and then it hit me, a walloping pain in my stomach, my back seized up and my internal organs felt tight, my face flushed up and i had a sickly feeling of wanting to throw up…… all at the time of starting our family movie for the evening…… This people is my world of Endometriosis.

The hubby gets it, he has seen me suffer for the past 10 years, explaining to my boys is a lot more harder (is that a cultural thing?) or is that because generally not many people want to understand what Endometriosis is, and would rather call it a ‘Heavy period?’…… so I put my hand to my head, (why do we do that? ) and say i’m really tired I need to sleep early and head off upstairs. …….Family time gone for this week…..

Although there are 176 million women who suffer from Endometriosis throughout the world, the illness is still so uncommon, and keep in mind that these 176 million women are diagnosed, and it takes 7-10 years on average to diagnose Endometriosis so the figures are not even reliable. They are far higher……. yet if you were to speak to a neighbour or a friend 9 times out of 10 they would not have a clue or put it down to ‘Heavy period’ and ‘Low pain threshold’

What makes thing worse is in our community, any illness to do with the reproductive organs are seen in a negative light and considered a *taboo*

The Endometriosis Society of India estimates that 25 million Indian women suffer from this condition. And yet, it is rarely spoken about and seldom understood, possibly because of taboos around menstruation.

Right So………What is Endometriosis?

Endometriosis is a long-term condition where tissues similar to the lining of the womb grows in other/wrong places, like in the ovaries, vagina, buttocks, Fallopian tubes- basically around the reproductive area of a women’s body. This ends up causing a lot of discomfort every month when its time for the dreaded monthly’s, because the blood flow now doesn’t follow the route it is sopposed to, therefore causing inflammation and discomfort aswell as scarring and damaging more tissues inside the body. This then ends up as severe stomach cramps, menorrhagia, severe back pain, feeling nausea’s and sick, either a case of diarrhoea or constipation, and severe pain during intercourse.

It is not known what causes this, but different doctors have suggested different things, i.e genetics, low immune system, and some have found common cases after a C-section. However none of these are solid findings.

In terms of treatment, their are only 2 options: Pain killers or Surgery. Two types of surgery can be offered depending on how severe the case is and the context of the surgery. For the ones who are trying for a child and the milder yet uncomfortable pain- Laparoscopic surgery is offered which involves the removal of endometrial tissues. However this is not a permanent solution and usually within 5 years the fibres tend to come back. For the more severe cases (where Laporoscopy has not worked) a ‘Hysterectomy’ can be approved.

Endometriosis can have a huge impact on some women and can lead to feelings of depression and loneliness because of the changes in hormones. I have managed with the pain for up to 10 years and have avoided surgery. I was suggested a ‘hysterectomy’ by my doctor, but I was only in my late 20’s and had no real idea if I wanted more children or not at that time, and also dealing with the side effects at such a young age…. it took me a while but I decided against it. Instead I went for the alternative solutions to medical care. I go for cupping, homeopathy, and acupuncture and it actually works well for me.

Its only now that I have realised that I am not the only one. Endometriosis is more common than I actually thought, and also its a hidden illness. Women generally don’t go to doctors for issues in the private areas because of the uncomfortable nature. It took me a while to be fully comfortable with stating exactly what I was going through, and that also because it was affecting my relationship with my partner, and I just needed to know what was wrong with me.

I have struggled with Endometriosis since after the birth of my second child. ( I have had 2 emergency C-sections) I was lucky that I have 2 boys, but their is a stigma associated with Endometriosis and I need to clear up- 70% of women who have Endometriosis do go on to have children, “Endometriosis does not mean you are infertile! It just means that some women have a harder time becoming pregnant.

Endometriosis can lead to other medical issues too. I suffer for menorrhagia, and it can be bad, really bad……. I have had days where I have leaked to a point it looks like a murder scene, I sometimes even wake up to a fully bloodied bed……and I have no control over this. I was off from work for half of the year in 2 consecutive years because of the menorrhagia. It was so difficult to explain to male managers what I was going through, to be honest the females were not much better. Honestly sometimes I believe we women are our own worst enemy. We don’t make it easy for each other. With the help of the Doctors notes, and the Trade Union my job was kept secure.

As well as the Menorrhagia, I also had periods where I have suffered from Vaginismus. (Something else that cannot be easily discussed in the community and has negative associations. Talk about luck!). Both these had a real impact on my relationship as can be appreciated. I was very young and naive at the time, so instead of actually finding out more, and talking to people I went into a sort of unconsciousness. I stopped socialising, I stopped talking to friends and family, I was in my own bubble pushing people away. I was embarrassed. I felt ashamed. This was a hard time as I probably have never felt so alone, and talking about the menorrhagia and vaginimus was hard as people generally in the community consider it to be a ‘taboo’ subject, or said that “its normal to have period pain” . And the ones that tried to empathise just ‘didn’t get it’…. How could they? It takes the doctors 8 years to diagnose us, they dismiss it as ‘Period pain’ most of the time…….I had to rely on good old google to find my own understanding of what my body was going through. (I do need to advise that Google is not the best of places, but on this occasion it helped me to understand myself and my body a lot more.)

We really need to make more of an effort to break down these boundaries, to break down the walls. And although I said that this is something we suffer from because of the narrow-mindedness of the Indian community, it is far more wider than that. Recently in the Guardian i saw this article:

Link to article is here

It made me realise the problem is far bigger, how a person can do a study “Rating how attractive women with Endometriosis are” really left me speechless. This is not a narrow-minded Indian problem, this is a overall, all round problem, that we are still facing in 2020. How does this study help me? How does it help my endometriosis? All resources, money, time spent on this study could have been put to better use.

Its just so frustrating that we have to go through the trauma of this, and then people are out there to ridicule us at the same time.

I’ve managed to accept that I have this condition, I have found my own ways of living with it, and treating it, all of which are the alternatives to medicine because I am not a fan of pumping my body with drugs, or even cutting it open, and dealing with the side-effects. And I must say that the awareness of Endometriosis is improving, yet there is a huge hurdle still in front of us. I think I can speak for all the ladies who suffer from Endometriosis when I say “We are strong, We are resilient, We are not asking for a miracle. All we ask for is a bit of compassion and emphathy. Thats all.

Do you suffer from Endometriosis? How are you coping and helping yourself? Have you been for surgery? Has that helped? I would love to know your thoughts and discuss further.

Love and Regards

M11bna

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CoronaVirus Got Me. My Experience with Covid- 19..

One thing I have learnt whilst contracting the Covid-19 is that it is a different experience for everyone who goes through it……and this is the reason why we are facing these uncertain times, because nobody has one set experience- it is so tricky to understand who has Covid and who is going through a normal sickness period like the flu, or a common cold.

Everyone also experiences it in different forms, whilst some will be Covid Positive and go through their day without knowing, others have more dangerous effects like breathing issues, and convulsing coughs.

Yes. It struck me, and the whole family too, but we were lucky we got the mild form of Covid, and we are all well on the way to recovery. I have decided to do a 7 day diary, purely because its been such a tough time for everyone with the lock down and the constant anxiety and stress we have all been feeling, over getting Covid and getting over it.

I appreciate that not everyone will go through it the same as me, for some it will be easier, for others it will be harder, but generally I want to emphasise that ‘We can get over it!‘ All the media seems to show is negatives, all everyone seems to talk about is deaths. Well I am here and I am alive, and I am getting over this, as are my family.

I am in no way or form saying it was easy. It was tough! you will see exactly What I went through in the 7 days. But what I am saying is that it gets easier….

Day 1:

2o’clock in the afternoon I had a headache- a sudden headache. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. I stretched myself out thinking it’s a migraine and finished off bits n bobs around the house before I could sleep (as we do). It came to a point where I could not carry on, so I decided to switch the lights off, put the blanket on and get some sleep.

Usually when I have a migraine I can sleep pretty much straight away, here the force of the headache was so bad, I couldn’t sleep at all, I tossed and turned but just couldn’t sleep, and the headache was becoming severe, then all of a sudden I had a coughing fit and I threw up. After this I slept for a little over 2 hours but I felt better.

I assumed that I felt this way because I stretched the migraine out. I told myself never to do this again. The hubby also was suffering from headaches, and slight fever- but he was up and about, so he decided to go to the walk in clinic to get tested. I decided not to….. As I just had a migraine right?

I managed to make dinner, I was feeling weak but assumed its because I stretched out my migraine and I just had to get over it. The hubby settled for tea and toast- his throat was hurting him. I made fish, roast potatoes and vegetables for me and kids. The Kids ate well. I remember taking a bite of the fish and not enjoying it, it smelt fishy, really bad fishy, overwhelmingly fishy (Is that even a thing) I ate the vegetables only and binned the rest as I just couldn’t stomach it. The smell was overpowering. I’m sure its the same fish I buy all the time from Iceland…….. I Blamed the migraine again.

2 hours later like a blow to my head the pain in my head and eyes started. I couldn’t function. The hubby gave me paracetamol. (I knew I shouldn’t have taken it, I have a reaction to pain killers and waiting for my allergy testing which has been put on hold because of Covid.) 15 minutes in and I threw this up along with my food intake. I was feeling weak, I was shaking, my head was aching, and I just wanted to close my eyes so I went upstairs to bed straight away.

All night I struggled to sleep, my headache was so severe and my body felt like someone had beaten me up. My legs were refusing to work with me, every turn and shift in bed was agonising. On top of that I threw up 2 more times, the last time a case of acid.

Gosh. This was by far the worst migraine I Had ever had! . I Didn’t even realise Migraines could be so bad

Food intake in 24 hours– few vegetables which I eventually threw up.

Day 2:

The next morning at 8am the hubby touches my neck and says that I am roasting, like cooking, real bad. I’m also sweating, I can’t open my eyes, my head is heavy, My body feels like a truck has run over me, and the right side of my leg feels heavier than the other. He calls 111…. Usual questions first regarding covid….. No coughing, and no out of breath. … Not covid. I knew that. It’s a migraine…… But the lady on the other side said No it may be worse. You need to go into A&E now….. NOW!.

I really slowly and with aches and pains got into the car, and we headed off to A&E- which by the way is no longer A&E it’s just a small cubicle sitting outside A&E and has a socially distanced qué outside. Their was only 2 people in front of me, so it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I stood in the que (no visitors allowed) but I was struggling standing. There were no seats around, I held on the railing and Evan contemplated sitting on floor. The lady in front saw my discomfort and offered me her place. I am forever grateful to this soul.

Inside the cubicle I got asked the same questions all over again. The nurse checked my temperature, gave me a mask, and handed me a form. He told me I needed to go to another entrance in the hospital which can only be done whilst going on the outside of the hospital as all corridors inside are closed off and blocked. Luckily the hubby dearest was still outside and we drove round.

On entering the hospital- I knew straight away something was wrong, no visitors were allowed in, and it was eerie and empty. Just 2 ladies sat in reception, with full mask and gloves on, its only when I handed the form in to them that I noticed the form on the top said ‘Covid 19 Ward’.

One of the ladies grabbed me a chair and positioned me to sit down, I was glad she did, there was no way I was able to stand. Once again I got the million and one question whilst she tapped away at her computer screen, I asked the dreaded question “Am I in the Covid Ward?”

‘Yes’ She responded, ‘Just need to make sure we have all your details then we will take you in’

‘Im not covid, I have a headache, I have really bad migraine” I answered

‘I just do the form filling sweetie- once you go in, they will do the rest…”

“Im not going in” I answered, ” I need to see a doctor…. i’m not covid, i’m not coughing, I am not out of breath….i’m just tired, and weak”

She completely ignored me, and gave me another form and pointed to the door further down. “Thats the ward, they will look after you in there”

I hesitantly went to the door, a nurse opened up and told me to go in, I refused, gave her the form, and told her ‘Im not covid. this is a mistake,….” she heard me out and took me back to reception. She had a word with a doctor over the phone and then handed me a form and advised me to go see the doctor. Once again I went back in the car and we drove round to where the doctor was….

The doctor saw me within 15 minutes, “You need to go back to the Covid Ward, you are covid positive”. He said this just by looking at me. By this time I was tired, I was exhausted, I had just been passed from pillar to post, and I was getting upset. I went into the car and told my hubby “I am done, nobody wants to listen to me, I want to go home. Im not going to the Covid Ward – just take me home..”

We went home, on the way home, I got a call from the doctor asking me where I was, I explained to him that I decided to go home. He did tell me clearly that he thinks I should be in hospital and that my temp was at 39.5 which is dangerously high. I refused and told him that its due to the migraine. He advised me to get a test done, and to isolate until I get the results and gave me a direct number should I feel any worse to call and a ambulance would pick me up.

We left the conversation as that, I went home, went into bed and fell asleep.

Later that day my husband gets his results “Positive”………that means……, I must also be positive……

I looked at my husband in disbelief, It got us. We are Covid Positive. I had tears in my eyes at this point, I was feeling so weak, so awful, my head was pounding, and that damn doctor was right, and I had cussed him the whole way…

I stayed in bed til mid afternoon, then I decided I needed to get up. The struggle is unreal, every little millimetre of movement hurt, like an elephant had stamped on me, my body felt bruised and my skin was so hot, it was reflecting into myself like a heater. My head was pounding, I was forcing myself to keep the eyes open.

We started on our hot drinks (link here) but I couldnt have anything with milk in it, it felt heavy and generally the smell would make me throw up! (this is like pregnancy all over again), I probably stayed down stairs for 2 hours, before all I needed was to sleep. I went back upstairs and I slept…

Food intake: Vitamin C Tablet, One orange and 2 cups of water with Lemon

Day 3

Another rough night, the body feels like its broken, the temperature not subsiding. The head is pounding. Emotions were running everywhere. My eldest son has started coughing, so now the 3 of us are unwell, just the youngest one left….

Today was all about more hot drinks, and honestly I dont really remember much apart from sleeping through it…

Food intake : Vitamin C tablet, nil by mouth, 3 cups of water with Lemon

Day 4

Today the hubby suggested a shower- maybe I was smelling? I realised it had been 3 days since I last went. This coming from a women who needs a shower 2 times a day minimum, at 40 minutes each. Yes I am a water hogger and a proud one at that. The headaches were not so frequent, but the body still felt bruised, maybe the hot water would help?

The shortest shower in all of my life lived, I struggled with standing, and then the water ached on my body. The steam made me gag and ….. well i’ll wait a further 4 days before I try that again.

Although not 100percent the body was feeling so much more better, I could do bits and bobs for a couple of hours before the aches started up again, and I used my time wisely, whenever I felt I could do things, I got up and did them, the most simplest of things like emptying the dishwasher or putting a load of clothes in the washing machine, and just putting away socks and underwear. Being more fit and able we started steaming with black seed oil to clear up the airways and once again lived on lemon and water. (Click here for the drinks we had whilst ill, they helped in keeping the airways clear)

Food Intake: Vitamin C tablet, 4/5 lemon and water glasses, no food

Day 5

Woke up with no headache at all. My body was healing but the right side of my leg was still aching, sharp pains running through. I spent most of the day downstairs. The eldest was coughing on and off, but generally keeping well. The youngest Boi had now come down with a temperature and body pain. We kept him on paracetamols every 4 hours. Its funny how when your child becomes ill, automatically you go into turbo-mode and try and get over your own feelings.

Food intake: Lemon and water throughout the day, and I managed a handfull of food today. Definately getting better..

Day 6

The younger boy is doing well, as long as the paracetemol is kept up to date. Im going through burst in the day where I am fine for a little while and other times I just want to sleep. Small chores in the house are getting done, but all at the expense of a aching body afterwards.

Food intake: Lemon and water throughout day, with golden chai. For dinner I had soup and bread, and it stayed down!

Day 7

Headache? What headache? What temp? the only thing remaining now is the aching body on the right side. I’ve started doing alot around the house and even started making food! feeling generally better as a whole…. Is the worst over? I think it is

Food intake: Lemon and water throughout day, light lunch and light dinner.

It’s now day 13, and apart from a slight pain on my right leg, all other symptoms have gone. The same for hubby who has slight headaches and the boys have miraculously got over it completely.

The reality with covid is that nobody really knows what it is, and everyone goes through a different version of covid.

Generally speaking the main symptoms of covid are- new cough, shortness of breath, loss of taste and High temperature… From all of this I had only high temperature. I suffered from headaches, body aches, a heightened sense of smell, vomiting and nausea!? …. For obvious reason I was in denial that I had covid- I was waiting for all the wrong symptoms.

But am I glad it’s over. Since March we have been going through anxiety, every little ache and pain would make us doubt ourselves and what we experienced was nothing we had even imagined.

I just want to tell all the people who have anxieties over Covid that, yes there is a genuine reason, however it is curable, and we can get over it. Most of the challenge is a mental game, if you can keep mentally strong and try to push yourself, you can fight it. However I appreciate not everyone is the same, but I am hoping that my experience will help the ones who have anxiety to understand that its a battle that can be won, and that the media is something we really need to switch off too, especially because in all honesty I didnt even get any of the ‘normal’ symptoms of Covid yet I was Covid Positive.

Should any of you require any help, any advice, even if you would just like to talk, just send me a quick email, I will do my best to help you, even if it means to help you try and keep your anxieties at bay.

A Huge Thankyou to all my friends and Family, who were by my side (at the other side of the door) whilst we went through this. You made the whole process so much more easier for us. Forever grateful for this and also to the lady who gave up her position in A&E for me. I appreciate you were their for a reason, yet you thought of me before yourself, and I will never be able to repay you for this.

Onwards and Upwards.

Love and Regards

M11bna

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Thesis: Does the Perfect man exist?

Ok yes I get it guys, I am a 36 year old Married Woman discussing this (omg I’m 37! 37 I say!!. My head hurts. Too close to 40). I was thinking what to write about, their is so much at the moment really, but I just wanted something a little light hearted and fun, and what can be more fun than discussing men?? (Muhahahahaha *witches laugh*)

So I’m going to look at this like a school project, and the Thesis is “Does the Perfect Man exist?”

Methodology (Don’t have a go at me, I’m really getting into this!)

For my investigation I used my Instagram followers and we discussed what makes a perfect man, and I also used media channels like television programmes, novels and netflix…

(Gosh it really is starting to sound like a school project…)

On Instagram I asked my followers “what makes a perfect man?” And the responses I got varied: here’s a few of them , and generally all of them were around the same sort of ideals

The pages do go on, but the general consensus being, respectable honest, a great cook, understanding, loyalty, supporting, you know that kind of thing….surprises you, dotes on you, gives you his heart, his t-shirt, his credit card, his soul…. ( Ok, ok maybe not the soul, but the rest will do)…

For my first case study I will be using Joe From YOU

Joe From 'You' Just Got Creepier—Netflix Releases Video Without ...

Stalker, Pervert, Murderer, Sociopath, Abusive, Self obsesessed just a few of his stronger personality traits here (*rolls eyes*)…… and yet I would date him in a second…. Did I just say that aloud? Yes I did! I did, and its ok to say it out aloud girls…. because you would too! (don’t lie)

I mean if we put all of this aside (I cant believe I am saying this!) he is a great guy- the best guy, evan Perfect…..he is sensitive, he remembers birthday, anniversaries, he knows your likes, dislikes, cooks, cleans, he gets to know your friends, ( he ticks all the above instagram responses) and…….. he even kills the people you dont like. (How can you not love him?!!) Just minus the murdering part and the glass box…. and we found him. The perfect candidate. The Perfect Man…….(kinda)

Case Study 2: Christian Gray, 50 Shades

Christian Grey's Background in Fifty Shades of Grey | POPSUGAR ...

I am definately more of a Joe fan, than a Christian Gray. Actually I DEPISE Christain Grey……. but I know how populer he is with the ladies. So why is he considered ‘perfect?’…. Once again he is sensitive, emotional, rugged, assertive, confidence overload, dominant….Rich! Rich I Say and that gives him Power.. Who buys thier girlfriend a brand spanking new Audi on the first date?…. Urm Christian Grey does….(Bonus!)

So once again we have the perfect candidate, we just have to put aside the fact that he is a stalker, pervert with psychological issues with make him controlling and manipulative, and dominant….. That’s all….. Simples. ( I’m going to move quickly along to our next perfect man, because I have issues with this novel. Big issues! )

Case Study 3: Peaky Blinders- Tommy Selby

6 reasons why Cillian Murphy would make an incredible James Bond

By order of the Peaky Blinders…. (hehe- had to be done)…..I nominate Tommy Selby for our third case….. We women are always looking for the perfect man, and yet we Think Tommy Selby is one?…. urm, lets put aside the whole drug, murdering, taking peoples eyes out with the razor thing, im sure we can let the ‘little’ details ‘slide’ right?. He is a solid family man, with family values, looks after the family, hes strong, powerful, definately loyal when in love, and ….urm…. just dont mess with the family, or the business…and there you go ….. The perfect man.

The world is full of ‘Perfect’ Men. We just have to find them (and not think of the bad stuff)

I think that’s enough case studies for today? You guys are getting my gist right.

Conclusion

Now lets look at this more clearly, and a little less of the humour side of things.

As women we are subjected to these images of men. I know loving Joe is wrong, but the whole screenplay make me sympathise with him, I actually laugh at his ‘crazy’, I emphatised when he kills people, because ‘bless him’ what could he do?! (OMG. I said that!)…… Tell me how lame do I sound!!! I feel lame writing it, but yet I feel that way and that needs expressing. The fact that the director allows us to see Joe’s thought processing is the reason we feel this way…… but why oh why? Its still Wrong!

I used Christian Gray by purpose- I would generally like to think that someone of my age can see right through Christian Gray and all the ‘wrongs’ in that relaitionship- however I do know that teenagers are obsessed with him and some women even older, and the whole- its not porn because its a book logic (fails me *rolls eyes*)but we are subjected to these kind of men in books, in our screen, in everything, men that need loving, the characters play on the womens natural habitat of caring and mothering and trying to fix a lost soul…….and these characters are being romantised….. so instead of running a mile, we stay and put up. Endings in books are always great, in reality its a longer struggle and hurdle, some more so than others.

The reality is, although we are subjected to this every living day of our lives, would we really read books that were simple and straightforward? Watch programmes where a man and women fall in love and stay together… forever….No. So although I am complaining that we are subjected to this, I also want a ‘little‘ bit of Joe and Tommy Selby in my life, just a little, a minute amount, maybe you know have CBD as medicinal rather than as a addiction kinda little, you know the little gangsta in us (to help aid our tired arms and legs).

Movies, Books play on what the readers want, what sells, and it seems Christian Gray, Joe and Tommy Selby are hot on the market, all for the wrong reasons…. but its working

Evaluation

So in reality its time to stop looking for the perfect man, and just deal with the one sitting on the couch scratching his underarms. I mean he could have been a psycho over dominant murdering drug lord, but instead he has a day job, and remembers to bring the milk home (when you ask). How lovely. What more could you want? (** dont answer that!)

Love and Regards

M11bna

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May….. In a Nutshell…. Dedicated to George Floyd

I had a few things down for May, but everything seems so small in comparison .

May can and will only be dedicated to George Floyd. It’s crazy to say that we still see these things happening in 2020… But is it really? hasn’t this been happening anyway, doesn’t this happen everywhere- all over the world? ….. but like second class citizens we choose to accept it….(we are not white. We will NEVER be first class). When I saw the video of George Floyd the first time 7 days ago. I thought he’s just going to be another name added to the list of names who get 24 hour coverage and then …. ‘out of sight, out of mind’….. But Wow!!! A revolution has been Bourne!

I hope there is a revolution that comes out of this. There has to be. You can’t have gone this far- to let it all die down now. I’m praying for a revolution….

Rest in peace George Floyd and all the George Floyd’s before him, and the ones at the moment who are still going through the injustice.

George Floyd does not only exist as a black man in America, he exists as a black man all over the world, he exists as a black women, he exists as a hijabi, as a Palestinian, a Syrian, a Burmese, a Sudanese among so many others living through injustice. He exists as a human who is not ‘white’, who doesn’t fit into societal constructed norms, who is of a different social class, who is believed to be ‘the other’…..and that resonates with a lot of people.

My deepest heartfelt condolences to this man’s family. A great loss to the community, a great loss to the world. May there be a revolution for this injustice. May people open there eyes. May people educate themselves. May people learn.

Here’s a few resources. I have found them to be useful. Do take time out to have a read.

Love and regards

Stay safe

M11bna

The Financial Strain of the Coronavirus…

I hope that you all are doing OK? And staying safe, and my prayers are with all the people that are suffering and may have lost a loved one. I’ve not seen my parents for two full weeks now, the door to their house is locked, as they look after my granny of 93 which would be a big bonus for the virus- yet we are going to fight this virus to the core, and just not allow it to touch her (God willing). So although I haven’t seen them all I know that they are staying safe, and staying indoors for the for-see able future.

Not only has this pandemic affected us mentally because we feel so helpless and have a lot of anxiety for friends and family around us whom we can do nothing for, it has also put people in a financial strain.

It has really affected everyone, regardless of your income in different ways. Working in a utilities environment before the saga Evan became big, I was talking to my customers who were contemplating closing their businesses, these are small businesses who barely make ends meet, and they are stuck in giving up their dreams. Self-employed who do not get sick-pay are stuck, key workers who get paid very little in the first place are having to go out there and face the risks involved, but have to work to support the country. Low income workers who generally cannot stop working because they can’t afford life.

Also people who are working from home have their own challenges, having the kids at home, trying to home school and keep them busy whilst doing their own work, the added mouths to feed daily, three times a day and in between. The energy bill increasing whilst being at home, the extra food that is needed although the ‘prices’ have doubled…… (Breaths out) it’s all overwhelming. This virus is out for us all, regardless of income, age, sex, religion or colour. We are all in the same boat.

Now that I’ve gone through the bad part- i’ll focus on the positive. This post is not to talk about how bad we have it, this post is to help you and provide you with the information you need in order to get through this, and there is a lot of help and support out there,

Home Owners

Most mortgage lenders are providing a 3 month payment holiday (do check with your mortgage provider). I just need to advise that this is a payment holiday, the bank does not pay for you- once your payment starts up again it will continue with the normal interest payment you initially agreed. So if you are a home owner and are struggling this may help you for a couple of months. Have a quick check online or call up the bank.

Help for Renters

There is a clause to be put into place for renters alike- that they will be protected from eviction for 3 months. Do speak to your landlord and keep communication open between the both of you. Do also keep in mind that this is a payment holiday and you will be asked to pay in full once situations change. Like with Home owners it doesn’t mean that you will not need to pay. The money will still be owed.

Here is a webby for more information: https://www.homesandproperty.co.uk/property-news/renting/renters-eviction-laws-coronavirus-covid19-a137476.html

Help for Businesses

The ‘Job retention Scheme’ has been put into place for business owners, which enables small businesses to keep staff on in these precedent times, HMRC will reimburse 80% of wages up to £2500 per month per person, to avoid people being made redundant. This is for 3 months initially, but depending on how things go may be extended.

Self Employed

The Self-employment Income Support Scheme (SEISS) will support the self-employed who have lost income due to the Covid-19. The grant will allow you to claim a taxable 80% of your profits (maximum £2500) for 3 months. Once again this may be extended if necessary.

The government has also advised that it will delay the next set of self-assessment tax payments to January 2021, allowing people more time to pay tax bill

There is a lot of information on this webby for all self employed: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2020/03/uk-coronavirus-help-and-your-rights/?utm_source=MSE_Newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=24-Mar-20-50599068-805&utm_campaign=nt-hiya&utm_content=6#selfassesment

Sick Pay for Employees

Employees off sick with Covid-19 are eligible for 2 weeks statutory sick pay (SSP). Employers can claim for this and will need Employees to get an isolation note from NHS 111

There is a lot more information for nursery businesses, retail, hospitality and leisure businesses plus more available here: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-to-employers-and-businesses-about-covid-19/covid-19-support-for-businesses

Citizen Advice Bureau

I have attached the citizen’s advice bureau webby here https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/contact-us/

If you would like to know more about your rights, how to go about getting the help needed or applying for the help and what further can be offered to you in these precedent times.

This is a tough time for a lot of us, but remember your mental health is the main factor in whether you get through this period. Don’t get too overwhelmed with the changes that have been thrown to us overnight. In all honesty Boris J really has done a lot for his people. Im impressed. Might be changing parties if it continues this way (*sorry pops*)

Just remember guys, fortunately we have homes and we have roofs over our head and we have food in our fridges. We are already doing well.

Hopefully the plan for the next blog is to keep you updated on a lot of free resources that are available on the internet for the bored kiddos!

Hope that you all are keeping safe, staying indoors and washing those hands!

Love and regards

M11bna

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Lockdown…..Day One… Getting to grips with Reality

I’m sure everyone was glued to their TV monday evening at 8.30. It felt surreal, felt like we were watching a movie, this doesn’t happen to us, this happens to others…on TV, …. yet there he was – Boris Johnson speaking to us all, about this deadly disease out there in the world, out to consume us all, and we have stay in to prevent catching it and possibly passing it to the more vunerable….. I really can’t wait to wake up and laugh and tell everyone my dream …. Maybe I’ll write a blog on how real it felt?

What does the Lockdown mean? Well all non- essential shops/ places are to shut down completely…..we are only allowed out for trips to and back from work (I am homeworking). Shopping trips only if necessary. Only 2 people allowed out at a time. Social distancing of 1.5/2 metres to be put into place. No visits to families houses, no gatherings anywhere apart from funerals. This is for 3 weeks, and should things get better, we may get a more relaxed approached. However if this is not adhered to- we will be fined. And if people still don’t listen, then the lockdown will be more harsher and go on for longer.

I’m trying to pinch myself to try and wake up for real. Can I see the end of the tunnel? No. I really can’t. I hope that this works, I hope that people listen. I hope this nightmare ends, and I can wake up and complain about going to my normal job daily…. It was so much more easier and simpler.

This also means we have the kids at home, and in isolation for what seems like forever. This is going to be tough on us, and keep in mind this is also going to affect the kids.

My boys are more in the older/adult section, yet I dont want them to become lazy, so I am trying to arrange a routine for them, so that firstly they dont become lazy, secondly they dont get too bored (and potentially run out of house) and also because I dont want the virus/ media affecting there own mental health.

Im generally thinking that this is a chance to get to know them, like, you know really get to know them….. they might actually be good people? you never know? ill give them a chance.

Holidays usually mean getting up late for my boys, especially because im at work, they like to laze in, and get ready half hour before I finish, and pretend they were up all along….. (like I was born yesterday). Lucky for them. I’m home working (although I’m not managing really well in all honesty) .

I’ve not got a timetable up yet, ive been in abit of a daze past few days, cant seem to get things done, but I know what I want in it, it’ll consist of educational aswell as life skills, like cooking, cleaning, fixing, maintaining…. Usually with school and mosque they miss out on that part of life. And not to forget reading and praying aswell….I Just need to get the balance right so that they don’t get overwhelmed by it all.

Schools are sending out emails regurarly, just keep an eye on your mail, as are people on facebook, I have loads of teacher friends on facebook who are providing worksheets and help online, which I think is a very generous thing to do.

There is a lot of educational resources out there. Alot of companies are also giving out free monthly subscription to educational websites, I’ll keep you all updated as I go along.

But first I’ll get back to drawing up a routine.

But its not just the kids that we need to worry about, remember to look after yourself. Kids can easily sense and pick up on things, if you are suffering they will pick it up, especially because they are going to be around us ALL of the time.

Im thinking of drawing up a routine for myself also, I cant get lazy (I have been wearing the same top for 3 days now because im not going out) I want to do things that I normally dont get a chance to do, like the grey areas in the house that we always avoid… (or maybe not. ill see about that one). Try out new recipes, buy a jigsaw puzzle, go back to your love of drawing, or painting, or writing, or reading…..and generally focus on the positives.

Take this as your time to get to know yourself.

This will be a mentally challenging time for us all, with our luxuries and our lifestyle its a daunting experience. Its just been day one, and Im already feeling suffocated, but I try to think of it this way ‘We are not being told to go out to war, we are being told to sit in the comfort of our houses and get to know one another’

I hope that you all are doing well? And I hope that you are all keeping safe x

Stay safe, Stay indoors, wash hands, and look after each other.

Love and regards.

M11bna

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Coronavirus, Schools, Employment, Keyworkers, Elderly and Tougher Measures Update

Should I create a tab of its own? Im not so sure, Im thinking I dont need it as hopefully this bugger will leave us soon, I pray it leaves us.

I have alot of content non-corona related but it just feels wrong to be putting my pre-corona life out here. Its so strange how its just come in and taken over, and aged us all in the process aswell.

Im over my moping and anxiety now- and im writing this head on. We will get through this people, and we will come out of better and bigger then before. Lets focus on the positives

Lets talk about whats happened since the last post- which was just a couple of days ago- but this coronavirus is really hitting us hard, it feels like a months.

Schools:

Schools are now officially closed. (for some…. very few… actually minute amount of people, this is a positive) no, no, really im glad that they closed the schools, as parents now we have to ensure that the little (although one of mine is very large) buggers stay at home. This is going to be a challenge, but I have got a blog coming up on how im going to be managing them. I think all parents need to understand that kids will be home till September!! thats a long time, try and place a routine for them, so that they dont get lazy, also remember this is not something that affects us only, our kids will also have anxiety over this. Make sure they are talking and make sure you address them of the changes. This is tough on them too.

Having said that schools are still open for parents who are keyworkers.

Who are “key workers”?

  • Frontline health workers such as doctors and nurses
  • Some teachers and social workers
  • Workers in key public services including those essential to the justice system, religious staff and public service journalists
  • Local and national government workers deemed crucial to delivering essential public services
  • Workers involved in food production processing, distribution, sale and delivery
  • Public safety workers including police, armed forces personnel, firefighters and prison staff
  • Essential air, water, road and rail transport workers
  • Utilities, communication and financial services staff, including postal workers and waste disposal workers

If you fit into any of the above category, the schools will provide a place for your child if you have no other form of childcare. I do need to emphasise that this does not mean education will continue, it just means that there is childcare available for you.

I found this website to be very helpful in undestanding the schooling structure going forward. Have a look if you want to know more: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51972793

Social Gathering

Places of social gathering are told to shut!! Finally! that means Afternoon Tea will be at my place, on my own, in isolation….. if I can buy the ingredients that is considering people think that they are going to die of starvation and buying 20 bags of flour! It also means more cooking in the house, so that means more recipes and also potentially more ways to improvise meals with the stocks we have in our house….. and since we all in the house, get the kids to join in, teach them some life skills!

Employment

With this pandemic a lot of businesses were at risk of closures and thus leading too unemployment . Boris has come through and advised that the government will pay 80% of salary to staff for who are kept on by employer. This will eliviate alot of pressure of business owners who were in a position of relieving staff due to the pandemic.

At the moment this is only for 3 months, but it has been confirmed that they will ‘extend’ if necessary.

Could not be more prouder of my Prime Minister at this moment in time. (*sorry Dad think im changing sides now*)

If you want to know how this will be done, heres the webby: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-51982005

Elderly and Vunerable

1.5 million people catergorised in the elderly/vunerable group will be sent out letters/text messages to advise to stay at home for 12 weeks. These people are the people considered ‘At risk’ and therefore should adhere to it

Boris Johnson has also advised that “Medicines will be delivered by community pharmacists, while military personnel are helping to coordinate plans to deliver groceries with local councils and supermarkets”

More on this here: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/global-health/science-and-disease/coronavirus-latest-news-italy-uk-nhs-boris-johnson/

Tougher Measures

It has been indicated that ‘tougher measures’ will need to be put into place, as social distance and isolation practises are not being followed so we are anticipating a ‘Lock down’ and all because of foolish and selfish people out there who seem to think that this is a joke. To all those people I say ‘Thank You’ for making this a joke, its a pity that the Coronavirus doesnt strike you first. The world would be a better place. (#sorrynotsorry)

Seems like Boris will not be paying a visit at 5 today. Will miss his face.

Love and Regards

M11bna

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Shopping in this Pandemic. What you need to know about the Larger Supermarkets

I feel Like a nagging wife, but im going to say this again!! “STOP PANIC BUYING”. I want to swear but im going to keep it clean. So for all of you that are reading the blog, its up to you to educate the fools (oops) around us! If the country goes into Lockdown, shops and chemist will still be open! we can still get our supplies. Right now at a time when we need to help each other, we are creating a moral panic, And the ones loosing out are the elderly! The ELDERLY people, the same people who shouldnt be going out from one shop to another looking for damn bog roll!!! But you panic buying fools are putting these peoples lives at risk!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(*breathes out slowely*)

Right so back to the blog, Supermarkets are putting measures into place to ensure priority is given to the elderly. Heres a breakdown of what each major store is doing:

Tesco

Priority

Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays between the hours of 9am-10am priority will be given to the elderly and vunerable.

Restrictions:

maximum of 3 items per person

Sainsbury

Priority

everyday for the first hour will be for the elderly and vunerable (do check your local shop opening times).

Restrictions:

maximum of three on any products and 2 on toilet roll and soap and milk

Asda

All 24 hours stores will no longer be 24 hours, they will close between 12am-6am.

Priority:

everyday for the first hour will be for the elderly and vunerable (do check your local shop opening times).

Restrictions:

maximum of 3 items per person

Aldi

Shorter hours, closing at 8pm daily.

Restrictions:

maximum of 4 items per person

Lidl

Not yet enforced anything but are asking customers to be considerate

Waitrose

Priority:

everyday for the first hour will be for the elderly and vunerable (do check your local shop opening times).

Delivery available for elderly and vunerable custmoers

Restrictions:

maximum 3 items per person, and 2 toilet rolls.

Extra:

Employees are all offered free meals whilst working

Morrisons

Shorter hours and closing at 8pm

Priority

More delivery slots are available for elderly and vunerable, a dedicated phone line is being set up people who cannot shop online to order through phone.

Restrictions

Restrictions will be put into place for toilet roll and cleaning products but no value as of yet.

Marks and Spencers

Priority:

Everyday for the first hour will be for the elderly and vunerable (do check your local shop opening times).

Restrictions

Maximum two per person on all products

Extra

Special shopping hour for NHS and emergency service workers during first hour of trade each Tuesday and Friday morning

And there you go. Hope this helps everyone , and hope that it reassures everyone that we do not need to panic buy. there is enough available for everyone.

At a time like this it is imperative to stay mentally sane. Hope that you all are looking after yourselves, ive said this first and ill say it again You have to look after yourself in order to look after others!! Do this for them! Do this for your country.

Stay safe, stay distance, and keep washing your hands,

Love and regards

M11bna

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The Virus that made the World Stand Still

I started off this year with a blog stating that “Be selfish, Be You” and in that blog I stated how 2020 was going to be my year, I was going to make changes, I was going to change the world…… yet the world had different plans.

Today we are at standstill, and all because of a virus?! not just any virus, but a beast of a virus who is threatening humankind, and the worst part is….. nobody knows what to do.

At the begginning of the year we all make so many plans, we sit thinking of what we want to achieve, where we want to travel, what changes we will make to better our lives, we evan contemplated WW3 with the issues between Trump and Iran…… but NEVER did we contemplate this.

Im trying to stay positive, Im trying to keep an open mind, but honestly I feel overwhelmed. Im tired of all the conspiracy theories, I dont care if it was man made, I dont care if china make money from it, or if america make money from it, I dont care if shares are low and we need to buy now to be millionaires later, I dont care if its been introduced to wipe out 1% of the world…… All I care about is thats it here and people are going to die, people possibly around me, people I love, people in my family.

so lets concentrate on that instead.

With Wars in countries, with Brexit, with inflation we have people to blame, we have scapegoats, we have our own theories, our own understandings of the processes involved….. Here mother nature has taken over and God/Allah has shown us his power. We are mere mortal souls, no matter how rich, or how poor, no matter how much money you have, no matter how much power you have, no matter Who you are… we have nowhere to go, we have no where to hide. We are in this together…… and we are terrified.

Can I tell you my biggest fear? My parents. Im sure alot of us feel this way…. its hard knowing that should they be infected, we cannot evan hold their hands at a time like this. We cannot go to see them, they will have to suffer alone. And if worse come to worse (and I really hate thinking of this) that they may go to the grave alone…….That breaks me.

Coming from an indian background/community we are brought up being together at all times, families live together, eat together, laugh together and also cry together. So how will we suffer alone? how will we allow others to suffer alone, how will we get through this?. Our whole ethos will change, our upbringing, our understanding of how to live has all come to a stand still.

And still we are singing ‘Happy Birthday’ whilst washing our hands, (*rolls eye*) I did say that I would only put positive things on the blog, and that is still the case, but I wanted to emphasise that ‘Life seriously is not in our control’, what we think, what we plan can be taken away overnight, as it has right now.

The worst is still to come for us in the UK, with the death toll at 177 today, the schools are now closed, places of social gatherings like bars, clubs, pubs and evan mosques are now closed. Yet our borders are still open, a containment by the people who feel they need it is being performed, yet everyone else walks freely.

This will go down in history as the “Happy Birthday” virus and generations after us will laugh that we thought washing our hands was the answer.

Hope that all of you are keeping well and looking after yourselves.

Love and Regards

M11bna

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